Irking myself

I’m so impatient.

(No, really?)

I know, I really know that grief is a process. I also know that I will always miss Tex, that I can’t replace him and that I’m still pissed that he is gone through whatever mechanism or random shit the universe had up its sleeve for him. I understand that (I don’t have to like it though) and I can talk about him and smile and just miss him and our amazing time together.

It doesn’t, however, help with the loneliness or the random shock of grief that flows through me and curves my shoulders reflexively down to protect my heart. I’m so ready to be done hurting like this.
I am so tired of hearing my inner whiny dialog… and my resultant inner bitchy, exasperated response to it.

People tell me to be gentle with myself, but I don’t do well with happy medium and I tend to get sloppy with the gentle and then just let myself wallow. To be fair, I did wallow for a time, but it seems to be counter productive with me and just fuels additional wallowing.

What I want is to be able to get on with things.

I don’t think I am ready for a full time job just yet. The last time I was laid off 10+ years ago I lost my mind around the 3 week mark and went to work for Bucky’s to… to do whatever-keep busy, to earn more money than unemployment and also to feel like I was doing my part.

But I’m not interested in even that. I’m ok with that as well, I pretty much ran myself into the ground the last several years and need a break. I have several things I’d like to do that do not lend themselves to being done whilst I am employed with a day job, kitties to snorgle, foundations to lay and many, many naps to take.

Other moving on? Who knows.

But even saying all that, I’m tired of my brain whining in my head so much. I try not to let it leak out (and apologies if it has).

Patience…feh.