Went to Hawaii last week to mark the 1 year of Mikey’s death.
It was hard, but I had mostly come to terms with it given that he had congestive heart failure for the last 12 years and also he was having a pretty hard go of it this last summer while Tex was ill.
I have my own 1 year anniversary to deal with at xmas as well. I have no idea how I will handle it. Pretty much everything surprises me how I react. I either don’t and then it isn’t an issue, or I am startled by the tears and unhappy that emerges from the situation.
For instance, they had the Jobs movie on the plane back from Hawaii and I kind of got a bit weird over the fact that Steve Jobs died from pancreatic cancer as well. So I guess I’m not ready for that association yet.
I’m still surrounded by people I love and who love me, so I’m well cared for, but of course, I have to get through this shite in my head on my own when it comes down to brass tacks. This isn’t unusual and I am not afraid of it.
Kaiser hospice is still having a hell of a time trying to speak to me… not that I’m terribly interested. Apparently normal grieving processes are not applicable to fredlet brain. So, while I appreciate it, I’m sure I’m just frustrating the poor kind folks there. Mostly little bits come out here and there about Tex and his last days, or Lee and I will make jokes about Mikey and Tex and their funny little friendship and how we miss them.
I do miss him.
In other news, EDD continues to deny me unemployment benefits, the job listings that jobserious.com send me are ridiculous (just because I worked at a bank’s technology group once does not mean that sending me personal banker or teller positions will do me any good) and I’m about to try to figure out if anything out there suits my skills or interest… Lotto winner would be a great position to hold. Also personal chef to lotto winner could be fun, too.
Also, given the squawking of many of my loved ones about my snoring (I’ve always snored-it is my defense against marauding bears), I went in for a sleep study (not much of a study, O2 sensor and pulse meter one night… a night that I was congested, up too late and then had to get up too early to return the %*&^(*&^ equipment to Kaiser, so of the 4 hours of sleep they were able to monitor it looked like I was actually the living dead.
Standard recommendations: lose weight, stop haunting the living, don’t let the cat sleep on your face, etc… and a CPAP.
I have the test module (sleeping with training wheels!) for this week then will get my tricked out ride a bit after that. Guess I need to rewire the bed area and then figure out what Goal Zero power thingy will run my CPAP when I am wherever doesn’t have power.
But that will have to wait as I am almost out of money for the year (thanks EDD for taking $$ for the last 12 years from me for everyone else and not letting me access it when I need it). It was a good year, but I’m going to mark it over soon and start the next section of my life… it kind of has already started, but on some things I just need to say “Enough. Now done.”