October and beyond

October was a turning point for last year. I was seeing a couple of people (all out in the open, no cheating on my part before you even remotely think about getting indignant about this – also, none of your business) and working through the first year of widowhood. I was instructed explicitly NOT to make big decisions that first year, which is good advice because my brain decided it wanted to move to Coeur D’Alene, Idaho (not a random choice, there were many researched reasons), live in a tiny (insanely insulated) house and see how much work from home I could manage.
Clearly I didn’t follow through on that plan as I am still in the Bay Area, but the plan does still look nice occasionally. Had its merits.
Anyhoo, it was around last October I discovered that B was becoming more and more important to me – and the thought of not seeing him anymore because of some ridiculousness that went down really made me unhappy. I wasn’t certain how he felt in return, but I wasn’t going to push things. Anyway, if he didn’t want to be with me, it was his loss. I just made it clear that it thought he was the bee’s knees and just tried to enjoy my time with him (still working through the lesson of the year of “the love is always there event the person is not”) and making certain that when we were together I was in the moment. He never pushed on my grief process and let me be me. It was lovely. Just kept getting lovelier as time went on, too.
One day while we were paying for lunch, I looked up at him and we had this one moment smiling at each other and I knew I was in love with him. (I wish I knew the exact date of that, it might have been closer to November, I’d love to find that receipt ;). )
So the fall and into winter is a bit of a work in progress. I’m trying to re-work memories around many dates that may not have the best memories associated with them.
It isn’t in the fall, but my birthday, in particular, is a sticky day. The hospital sent Tex home with me on my birthday 2012 with the parting sentence to me that they thought he had about a week to live. I wouldn’t let anyone say that to his face, he didn’t need any preconceived notions of how long he could be here.
Oy.
Still working on that date.
Thanksgiving had ups and downs. The actual day of Thanksgiving I thought I was going to spend alone. I don’t begrudge anyone family time – in fact I am the first person to insist on people spending time with their family before I get time with them (Tex would sigh heavily and drive to his mom’s house those mornings. I’m no saint though ;) she treated me like a scabby leper so I didn’t go.) Or making certain that anyone I was seeing know that I knew that Turkey Day was generally a day I wouldn’t get to see them because kids or whatnot. I’m ok with that.
But I lucked out and B came over. We blobbed around on the couch, ate cobbler and generally really enjoyed being with each other. I loved it.
December will probably need more work this year. Mikey died the 2nd, then Tex faded all month and died on Christmas, so it’s a month of all the feels. Before I got laid off, right after I came off of FMLA, I thought I would be able to bull my way through the holidays since that was our busiest time of the year. I could just work myself into an exhausted coma and sleep through it. That plan went south and I found myself with lots of free time and all the time in the world to obsessively remember things that I would prefer to remain unremembered.
Actually, aside from the normal amount of holiday weirdness (I generally just suspend all expectations from thanksgiving til xmoose because families and religions get all het up around that time. I just step back and let it do its thing) last December treated me ok. We spread Mikey’s ashes, I managed to keep my “1 year ago today Tex only had xx many days left to live.” internal dialog quiet… and then B told me he loved me on xmoose day.
Told me he wanted a future with me.
Made me very happy.
(It was complicated for about 10 days or so, then it wasn’t.)
So, I’ve got some days to work on this season, but the biggest stumbling blocks of this complicated time of the year are on their way to being dealt with for now.
The month of May is quite another matter. I’ll ponder that mess when we come back around to next May.

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