Luck

My luck used to work like this: Something bad would happen, then something good would happen that would offset it. It wouldn’t make up for the bad thing and the net total of shit would still be in the negative side, but it wouldn’t be over the edge bad. Like some people have parkma and can find a parking spot anywhere, anytime.

It just doesn’t seem to be that way anymore.

It isn’t scientific (but then again I listen to my guts when I choose stuff and more often that not, these guts are right… though when they are wrong… well, it ain’t pretty, I tell you what.) but it just seems wonky and off kilter.

The last couple of years have been hard. Losing Bunnycat was tough, but to be fair, she was 19 1/2 when her heart gave out (renal failure care was hard, but part and parcel for older cats.) I don’t begrudge all the work and giving up travel and spending money on the care… she was my child and best friend, how could I have done anything less?

Tex getting pancreatic cancer was brutal. It was horrific, terrifying and it wrecked me. During it I learned so much about my world. It wasn’t fucking fair and I’m still furious about it.

I’m trying not to be bitter or feel like I’m entitled to special treatment, but I’m still just struggling to deal with normal life disappointments with equanimity. I don’t expect that to change anytime soon. I feel like when something happens that I just am reduced down to component parts. I can’t just let it go. The balance is off… not even there really.

Jeebus I’m so whiny lately. I’m tired of hearing myself. But I don’t know how to shut up.

Sorry y’all.

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2 thoughts on “Luck

  1. I’ve been reading your blog for some time now. You talked about Tex and the things you guys did, places, things. I said, “Why don’t you marry Tex?” I don’t know if that was before you married that other “thing” or not, but anyway I’m glad you did marry Tex.

    I saw some movie, of which I can’t remember the title, about someone who lost a loved one and I had just lost my mother, my best friend, my confidant, and it went like this: “It’s OK to wallow, whine, and be angry and all, but don’t stay there too long.” That really stuck with me.

    Wishing you happier days ahead.

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