So anyway…

Life on my own again. Shit.
I had just come to terms with being cool about having someone in my life for the rest of it. Not to mention that Mikey died early December so I lost my 2 best friends in one month.
Fuck you universe.

OK Enough of the pity party. I’ll stop now.

Anyhoo, I changed a bunch of things on the 26th in the great room/kitten room that Tex was in so that it was a different room (rather than the room that is missing his presence).
I miss him and am not trying to erase his memory, but being ambushed and reminded of the loss isn’t something I can deal with on a daily basis. (Also, please note, things that work for other people in grief do not necessarily work for me. Step away from the comment box, thankyouverymuch.)
I have a new daybed that will serve as couch (that isn’t a scratchable surface for the kittens) as well as serving as a bed for me most nights (I like having my kittens around, but can’t let Ottov2 into carpeted areas and I won’t separate the two.) I got a twin mattress from IKEA (Rolled up like a burrito!) spring mattress, not latex…am allergic… it is rather bouncy; if I get bored and start wiggling then I start talking like Tigger. They say to give it 72 hours to settle down so I’ll see how it is after tonight. I like it so far, I just have to get used to it. After sleeping in various chairs, on the floor at the hospital and on crappy hospital beds since June, I *really* appreciate my old queen mattress (my W bed) that I bought 8 years ago which is still enormously comfy despite its age. Tex had bitched about it as late as last March, but hospital beds showed him the error of his words the few times he was able to make it to the other room when we had him home…
I had a twin down comforter already, got a duvet and some basic sheets from IKEA Sunday night, made up the bed and burrowed in… well, I put a load of clothes in the wash that had gotten wet in the garage and got icky, but then I got in bed and wallowed. It was good.
I’ll be dealing with that pile of clothes for a while so my kitchen table is a big pile of pants and shirts so all the progress I made recently went to hell…and that just makes me tired to think about so I shall ignore that for now as well.
Ignoring is my coping mechanism of choice lately. I have a list of things that I am working through, but I’m not tackling it as fast as I would normally.
Pictures of the house later when it isn’t such a disaster area and when I have all the parts together.

I’m sure folks want to ask but I’m not ready to talk about Tex’s last days yet. Nor any arrangements after. Just know that there wasn’t a service so no one missed anything.
I’m eating, sleeping, taking care of the cats, dealing with all the aftermath of Tex dying (accounts and whatnot) and going to work.
Don’t nag me.
In general people are being very nice, are checking on me and my immediate family was here for me for 90% of this anyway. I got a shawl in the mail from my BFF which I am striving mightily not to let Moon Pie make it her bitch (it is of baby alpaca…sooooooo yummy) and flowers and… well, lots of sweet things. It is all appreciated but I feel weird getting all the attention because I’m still in the "Is this really happening to me?" mindset.
Poop.

New moon is on Friday, so I shall make my gestures toward the change I want to see then. Cross your fingers and don’t forget to donate to kitties or fishies if you are so inclined.

Mikey & Tex – March 28, 2010

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5 thoughts on “So anyway…

  1. Oh, Fred. I am glad your family has been there with you and I am glad you are writing. Is there someone who could help you with the accounts? (I also understand that you might not want that help, but when people say “is there anything I can do,” that is the sort of thing you can pass on to someone you trust.)

  2. I have never understood those who try to preach/teach grieving people. I saw the same thing with Melinda and her mom. You do not *HAVE* to socialize or move on, you do not *HAVE* to consider other people or their feelings. You do what you need to do–whatever that is–to grieve/cope in your own way. Anyone doesn’t like it, fuck em. My philosophy, anyway.

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