Time is what I need to get calmer about Bunnycat. Talking about it to some therapist does NOT help me calm down.
You know what talking about it does?
It reminds me of her last month or two of her life where she could barely walk, she wasn’t in pain, but she was really frustrated by the inability to move and she’d look at me to make it better… and I couldn’t.
It reminds me that she couldn’t walk at all her last week and that on one horrific Thursday night I had to make the decision to put my best friend of 20 years to sleep forever after having spent the previous 2 years doing everything I could possibly manage to make her comfortable…and I couldn’t do anything more. She was about to start hurting and I’d rather rip of my own damn arm than let that happen.
It reminds me of her face as we were in the doctors office and she slipped away.
Because if that is what you want me to remember than you can suck it. Do you have a problem with that?
If I don’t touch on that topic I can let those images fade.
I know they won’t fade anytime soon given my past track record with emotion. But then I will be able to remember first the things before all of that stuff when she would chase invisible wildebeasts across the room then look at me like I was the one seeing things or when she knocked off a lamp (that shattered noisily) in the middle of the night when she was a baby and took approximately 3.7 years off of my life span.
But I also don’t want to drug myself into oblivion just because some person who hasn’t spent more than10 minutes talking to me thinks that I should be over my cat after 7 or 8 months. I don’t think drugs are bad in some instances, but I also don’t think they should replace my own coping mechanisms that are a bit slower.
Frankly things aren’t too bad if you don’t start asking nosy fekkin’ questions about why last year was bad or why I have a pinched nerve. Don’t dredge all this up and then tell me it is because you are interested in my welfare. Are you going to give me a paper cut and pour lemon juice all over it for good measure?
And mostly what I think is that certain people should just shut their opinionated mouths simply because the way I do things are different that other people.