I used to be able to write and write and write and fill up my blog with endless information about Palm devices, bags, travelly things, navel lint, cat fur and who knows what else. I know it amused my mom, who is probably my only reader… but now she reads my Twitter feed so I think even she has abandoned this.
Now I open a blank entry and stare at it, with plenty to say about work (which is shite, but it pays bills), the state of the world (which is messy), the state of my apartment (which is also messy), my finances (paid on time… but messy) and other things, but all I want to do is weep and whine about my Bunnycat not being here.
I miss her and I have all sorts of hideously guilty feelings that I didn’t do enough for her in her last month; that I wasn’t as positive about her pulling through as I should have been. Also guilty feelings that I should be in a heap on the ground wailing a lot more because she isn’t here instead of laughing and having a good time occasionally.
The truth is that I am surviving as much as I can based on some things I was told which I am not going to talk about.
I also am getting through things because you just have to keep moving. I’ve seen people be paralyzed by depression, and while I have sympathy for them, the reality is that I can’t do that. I have to get up, go to work, earn money to pay my bills to take care of me because its not anyone else’s problem. Its my responsibility to take care of me. No one else.
One quote that seems to sum up the situation about what I am going to do:
Get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out all day.
And after a while I won’t have to remind myself to do it.
Other than that, stupid things turn on the waterworks at random times. (Inopportune times mostly, and its hard to explain why you’ve started dripping tears in a meeting about process delineation and risk management.)
I’m still cleaning out the apartment trying to get rid of things/clean out that might surprise me with memories of her. I’m not getting rid of memories, but I just can’t handle being surprised.
2010 was such a year of change-for everyone, not just me and I don’t handle change (well, change that I haven’t planned for) too well so its not a surprise that I don’t have an overall good feeling about this year past.
My friends have been going through lots of shit (relationships, loss, etc) and I also I look back at some things that I just went through that other people have gone through around me and I realize I wasn’t a very good friend at the time… guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Lots of issues around not being good at things or situations where I should have done things differently or better.
Kinda wears you down after a while.
All my friends and family have been lovely, they really are the best…there are a few who are clueless and I’ll forget about their idiocy eventually, but for the most part folks have been helpful. (Just don’t hug me in sympathy or I’ll weep all over you.)
Basically, I have a lot of first world problems. So I feel guilty about that as well.
I’ll just go donate to another food bank again I suppose.
I went to visit my cousin recently. I really like where she lives and of course Tex and I played the “what if we lived here?” game. We’ll see if its a game when we come down from the high of being there.
I took pictures with my broke-ass iPhone, slept a bit (got a head cold 3 days before I left, lost my voice the 2nd day of the trip and couldn’t do more than whisper the whole time), took a boatload of Sudafed, had heart palpitations while hiking up mountains while hopped up on Sudafed (but I could breathe mostly and it didn’t take over my lungs too much), ate too much, knitted some, got a massage (which did more good in 60 minutes than months of physical therapy) and basked in my cousin’s presence (She’s awesome.)
- I came home and battled ants displaced by the rain and worked my way through the holidays. They are almost over and I’m pretty happy that the arbitrary delineation of time known as 2010 is ALMOST OVER.
- I set up my plan for money management for 2011. (I hate the word goals; mostly because mediocre people glom onto the word “goal” and use the crap out of it for things that it shouldn’t be used for… its a pet peeve.)
- I have a series of trips (nothing exotic) planned that will be satisfying on several levels.
- I’m pondering upgrading my phone, but most likely I will just get an android tablet (7″; the iPad is too big for me). I’ve been saving for that in dribs and drabs for a while, so it won’t affect my 2011 moola plans.
- Also I’ve been babying my poor beleaguered 14 year old beast of a car so it should last the year which gives me more time to save to the Honda Fit I have in mind for my next 15 years of car. I like this one:
More than that I cannot say. But I will try to talk more.