While of course I will continue my war against train wankers and petty thieves, I find myself branching out a bit lately when it comes to the public shaming of my fellow commuters. Last week I was coming home after a shitty day and the guy in front of me was vigorously picking his nose. Okay, fine. Everyone does it sometimes, most of us wait until we’re alone in the house, but whatever. I kept trying to read but the grossness was too compelling and the next time I glanced up, he was wiping his nostril-treasure on the bus window. MORE THAN ONCE. This grown man, with no visible mental defect or developmental delay, was picking stuff out of his nose and depositing it onto the bus, this bus right here, THE BUS THAT DOES NOT BELONG TO YOU, SIR BUTTMUNCH. I honestly could not stand it for one more minute, I felt like I was going to start screaming and cause a Bus Ruckus of my own, so I leaned forward and sort of punched him in the back of the shoulder. When he turned around, I pointed to the window, made the stern mom-face, and shook my head “no.” To his very minor credit he did not try to argue with me or deny his transgression (that would have been difficult with his BOOGERS STREAKING THE WINDOW), he just turned back around and we left it at that.
2. Later that same week I was on the train listening to two white guys have an odd quiet argument. At first I thought they were bickering lovers, that’s how bitchy and straining-not-to-be-overheard it all was, but gradually I realized that they were total strangers fighting about how the one guy had bumped the other guy’s arm while sitting down and NOT APOLOGIZED. Like, are you kidding me? You could tell they had been at it for a while, because the arm thing was only brought up occasionally and the rest was about “common courtesy” and “respect” and I thought my eyes were going to roll right out of my head. After two full subway stops of this shit I said, in a conversational tone and without taking my eyes off my book, “Personally I think you are both acting like douchebags.” Amazingly, that succeeded in embarrassing them where their own ridiculous behavior had failed, and they were quiet for the rest of my ride."